bicycle

You don’t see bicycles too often on The Walking Dead. There probably isn’t a much better way to get around in the end times. Motorized vehicles are all around, but after a few years of sitting, most would be sitting on flat, useless tires. Gas tanks would be too funky too work.

When your car dies in the zombie apocalypse, you’re probably screwed. There are so many bicycles and bicycle shops in America, it’s doubtful you’d be stuck for very long anywhere. They’re in every single Wal-Mart, too.

Bikes are quiet. You could roll in and out a city stealthily. With a  bike trailer you could haul your gear around or scavenge a pretty decent haul. A good combo would be an RV with a small squadron of bikes. Just roll the right up to the outskirts of an area you want to scout (make sure you have it facing the right way for a fast escape), and deploy the bikes.

Someone should stay and guard the RV.

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wolf

I was feeling unmotivated to write tonight, so I decided to come up with a blog topic using a blog topic generator I found online. I’d link to it here, but it was clunky and way less fun than I’d hoped. It’s not nearly as useful as the Video Game Name Generator.

The site had me type in three nouns to generate a few topics. I typed in the words werewolf, money, fitness. The title of this blog post is the best option out of the offered. And it is dumb as hell. Silicon Valley, you lose on this one, you fucking nerds.

But, what? You want to know the four tools every werewolf needs? Jesus. What’s with all these damn nerds?

First, werewolves need stretchy fabrics. A loose tracksuit would be cool. I would either go with Ali G’s jumper or the classic Bruce Lee yellow Game of Death tracksuit. There’s no need to rip up your clothes, bro.

Second, werewolves need to own a bunch of land. Go here when it gets close to the full moon. If you want to make it easy for yourself, buy a few sheep and let them chill until you change. Hopefully eating them when you change will keep you from venturing a few miles down the road to eat the neighbor farmer.

Third, get a real wolf. Keep it in a cage and if something gets murdered while you’re wolfing about, let it out of the cage. Hopefully it will take the blame for your bullshit wolf appetite.

Fourth, you need a bodybag or something to bury all the shit you’ll need after you’ve been howling at the moon all night. Phone, wallet, that sort of thing.

 

 

gods

I don’t think people are nihilists. I think they are infected with nihilism. And I think the reason this election went they way it did is because the top thinkers who suckle at the Satanic teat of these noxious teams are contaminated with this virus.

Earlier I had a long conversation about the state of things with an old friend. Me made our way through all the off the shelf analyses and quickly went into the forest of weirdness. After an hour or so of exchanging deeply strange ideas, we got to the spot where everyone who takes a deep dive into this mess ends up: what the fuck are we supposed to do now?

I can’t remember what I said at the time because it wasn’t that good, but on the walk home an idea popped into my ahead: Honor the Gods.

This raises obvious questions. Whose gods? Why multiple gods? What about atheists?

It doesn’t matter which gods. They’re essentially metaphors for human excellence. The old gods are probably more interesting for aesthetic reasons, but there’s no reason you couldn’t approach this monotheistically. If you’re an atheist, I don’t know, I guess you could think about the wonder of the universe or whatever.

Thanks to poetry, we know what the gods like. They dig boldness. They reward consistency. They like loyalty. They enjoy pretending to be weak animals and humans to see how you show your strength. They prefer action to words.

Boldness, consistency, loyalty, and kindness are traits worth developing. To develop them you have to chase nihilism away. To do that you have to be careful about what you consume physically and mentally. It’s garbage in, garbage out, for keeps.

On to your questions.

How do I prepare for the Trumpocalypse? 

I don’t think anyone knows. I’ve been thinking about what it would take to be a version of myself that can outcompete all previous versions of myself. Do the same and you’re probably going to be ready for whatever comes.

What’s the best way to react when someone is shouting at you in anger? 

It depends on how you got there. If this is just a regular argument and you want to get their goat, total silence is a great tactic. It’s absolutely infuriating and will cause the other person to make a mistake in their argument.

If you’ve found yourself in a dangerous situation, leave immediately.

What is the saddest color? 

I think this is fairly subjective. I always remember reading that kitchens shouldn’t be painted yellow because it’s a depressing color. That seems like bullshit to me. Sad people tend to wear black. That’s probably the one.

What are some good sources if I want to understand the Right? 

My top two choices are podcasts: The Ben Shapiro Show and The Federalist. Shapiro is very smart and is about as conservative as it gets. He was vehemently anti-Trump and made the best case for his inadequateness for the office of any I heard (no folks, “he’s not a woman and he’s literally Hitler” are not good arguments).

Shapiro is also at odds with most of the Alt-Right. In fact, the ADL named him as the most trolled public person on social media. But don’t be taken in if you think the enemy of your enemy is your friend.

Personally, I like the logic of his thought, this consistency of his values, and his transparency in explaining why his opinions change when they do. His “Good Trump, Bad Trump” segment would’ve given the HRC campaign all the material it needed to fight Trump if anyone had bothered to listen.

The Federalist is more of a Constitutional wonk site. It reminds me of the pre-Evangelical Right. They do a lot of entertaining culture analysis and their take on things is often very smart. They have diverse guests and it never becomes an awful shouting match. It can be a bit of a snooze if you aren’t up on a lot of political news.

If you want to have all of your fears and anxieties about the Alt-Right confirmed, listen to Proud Boy Magazine‘s podcast, Hollywood Liberal.

Where these people make common cause is on free speech issues. Listen to this stuff. Study the arguments made. Not one thing that happened this year wasn’t discussed openly on these three shows. Talk it out with smart friends who don’t get easily butt hurt.

What are some good sources if I want to understand the Left?

NPR will do just fine.

 

A stranger says to you, “Hey, I need a hug right now.” What would you do? Why?

First, I assess whether or not they are covered in anything I don’t want to get on me. If their hygiene is acceptable, I’d want to know if they are making a shitty viral video. If that’s the case, I tell them to fuck off and that I do not consent to being in their video.

If this is simply a fellow human who needs a real deal, non-sexual hug, I would hug them.

When did you find out that you were not young anymore? 

Thanks to genetics and a solid health regimen, it hasn’t happened yet.


We just got back from a part at my buddy Gordon’s house. Each year he has a cooking contest with multiple trophies. Competition is stiff. 

People really go all out with amazing and diverse dishes. Mrs. Lott won again. This is the third year one of her vegan lasagnas took home a trophy. 

Good times. 

thatsthejoke

I’ve been eyeing graduate programs again (nothing anytime soon, mostly just dreaming). That always gets me thinking about the GRE and the GMAT. I completely crush the verbal portion of those  tests. The math version is a total mess.

If it’s retail math, I’m like Rain Man. I can calculate tip percentages like I was some State Fair math carney. Once you get towards dividing fractions and shit, I’m out. PEMDAS can suck my dick.

I’m trying to figure out some sort of answer to this problem and I think it’s Kahn Academy. I used a site like it back when I was in college and it really helped me through Algebra. My problem has always been laziness and inconsistency. I bet I’d get pretty far in it if I did a little everyday. Too bad there aren’t good math games. I don’t know, maybe there are.

I wish someone had told me how much of a difference math skills can make on your earning potential. If I had been explained what those d-bag Wall St. guys do, I would’ve been way more into math. Or that you can just skip college if you can code? And they give you a ridiculous amount of money? Sign me the hell up.

The other thing I’d love to figure out is Excel. People who know that grid shit are like the Navy Seals of office employees. You have to spend weeks in the icy boredom of classrooms to wedge that hateful knowledge into your noodle. It’s a true dark art.

Anyway. I’ll let you know how it goes.

happy

Mrs. Lott is the best thing I have going. Fifteen years or so ago we met, got romantic, and have been battling like angry honey badgers and falling deeper in love ever since.

She is an unstoppable force. If you try to slow her down, she will run you over. But she is so sweet you won’t mind much. If you’ve spent anytime around us you know what I’m talking about.

We’ve settled into a pretty great life lately. She cooks, I do the dishes. That sort of thing. It’s likely that without her I would be a bloated nightclub bartender with aching joints, staring into the abyss of an ever younger crowd of deviant millenials.

So thanks Mrs. Lott for sticking around another year.

newssucks

I’ve seen a bunch of my friends passionately and logically make a call for their friends to stop spreading memes and false political information. Good luck with that. Meme magic is real as fuck. People share this goofy shit because they get a little charge out of it. Fact based, non-partisan stories don’t deliver the same feeling, so they will never catch on.

The entire online economy is based on triggering the release of dopamine in bored humans. If you don’t have any razzle-dazzle, you don’t have any clicks. If you don’t have clicks you don’t have advertising. If you don’t have advertising you don’t have a media empire.

Some people are trying to figure out a way to certify stories as true, but that shit is never going to happen. Who would do the certifying? Most media organizations don’t even have the money for proofreaders and fact checkers. That right there is probably responsible for a significant amount of misinformation.

Some people are calling for the government to do something. That’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re basically saying you need someone to help you out because you’re too lazy to look something up before you share it.

But there’s a solution. Stop sharing things that make you mad. Generally, online stories that get your blood pressure up were designed to do that. So instead of spreading around engineered shitposting, share cool photos or new music you like. It’s really not that hard, people.

newssucks