If You Lose, Do It Like Conor McGregor


My election and UFC picks have been on fire lately. The secret to picking winners is to have little to no emotion attached to the outcome until you have made a logical selection. Emotions get in the way. You have to look at things as they are, not as you want them to be.

Contrary to hippy opinion, the universe gives zero fucks about your desires. That’s the bad news. The good news is reality rewards the prepared and the tough. The universe rewards action.

The last time I picked a major underdog to win was the first Conor McGregor vs Nate Diaz rumble (UFC 196). All the critics and fight nerds believed the hype that McGregor could do anything. And they all thought Diaz was a bum. Except for people who love weed, they were down with Stockton’s finest from the jump.

This election had 4 to 1 odds, which is about what I recall UFC 196 having in favor of McGregor. Those are long odds until you start looking for things that count. You’re never sure of a pick, but if you are good at recognizing patterns, you can do all right.

One pattern I recognized in UFC 196 was what can happen when a tough, hungry opponent goes after a champ who develops a taste for wearing shiny things. The plot of Rocky 3 is what it is because of a million similar stories in actual boxing: the champ gets cocky, their “yes men” don’t step up when they see something wrong, they can’t even believe they’re being challenged by the chump on the other side of the ring.

Sound familiar?

Trump knocked Clinton the fuck out last night. I can’t even fathom what that level of disappointment felt like. She had all the media, all the money, was riding a wave of enthusiasm from Obama, and was facing an all time bad Republican candidate with no real ring time. It should have been hers.

Who knows what it was like in private, but she did eventually deliver a nice concession speech. However, her followers are throwing tantrums all over the place. Right now there are helicopters hovering over my house, monitoring civil disruption. Because apparently breaking glass is what Democracy is supposed to sound like.

Look, I get it. It sucks to lose. But you people are being total chumps right now with your “not my president” bullshit. I’ve got news for you. He is. You don’t have to like it, but unless you’re going to make the pilgrimage to Lena Dunham and Miley Cyrus’ Canadian liberal refugee camp, you’re stuck with him.

But you sitting in your stinky diaper crying about how unfair life is and how super terrible Trump is won’t do anyone any favors.

You need to be like Conor McGregor.

After he got choked out, he didn’t stomp his feet and threaten to switch over to pro-wrestling. He accepted defeat humbly, like a real champ, and went home and got to work. He shelved his touch butt movement coach and built a great game plan around brutal kicks and defending takedowns. He didn’t stop Nate, but he went home with the W.

That’s what all you people crying right now should be doing. Instead of checking out for four years, identify the communities you think are threatened by a Trump presidency and show up for them. That does not mean reposting a blogger’s article (though do feel free to repost this one) or forwarding a Moveon.org petition. It means showing up in person or giving cold hard cash. Your actions and your money are far more important than your intentions and your social media efforts.

Worried about LGBT friends? Work an extra shift and give that money to an AIDS charity or queer youth outreach center.

Concerned about black people? Visit a church or community center and ask what you can do there.

Want to give money but don’t know how to make it go far? Give money to a food bank. Food insecurity is a huge problem in every single vulnerable community. It’s completely solvable.

Concerned about women and rape culture? It’s not frats you need to worry about, it’s child trafficking pimps. Did you know there are as many sex slaves today as there were labor slaves in America before the Civil War? It’s shocking, but you can fight back by helping groups like my buddy Jess Larsen’s org Child Rescue.

Globally minded? Anything you spend on building clean water wells or killing mosquitoes is great. Clinton raised $520 million for her campaign. Trump managed to scrape together $270 million. The cost to build a fully functional well in Africa is about $8000. That means this lame election’s money could’ve built close to 100K life saving wells.

Instead we got ads designed to make you think the other half of the country are a bunch of retards.

If you all put the same energy into doing good that you did hating Trump, the world would change. I have absolutely no doubt about it. It would become a great place. You don’t need Hillary. You don’t even need Bernie. All you need is you and some action. There is so much to do and it’s not getting done while you mentally masturbate to California secession fantasies.

Get the fuck out there and actually make America great again. It’s what Harambe would’ve wanted.



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