Sunday Advice Column #33



It is raining hard in West Oakland right now. Our roof is flat, so the sound is big. It’s almost like being outside. This rain washes the streets and makes it feel renewed. I wonder what the week will bring?

The questions begin.

My coworkers are offended because I will not participate in potlucks. I don’t eat from other people. Am I being irrational?

I don’t know what you mean by, “I don’t eat from other people.” Unless you’re a farmer or a hunter or something, you’re definitely eating from “other people” in some fairly obvious ways. So, without knowing too much more, I’m going to go with irrational.

However, you just might not be down with potlucks. I don’t like to cook, so it’s not my bag either. I usually bring booze or dope or offer to clean up. I think on balance it’s good to show up for people’s shindigs.

How did you foil/dodge someone else’s attempt to cheat or deceive you?

The moment I detect any deceit in a person I’m dealing with, they’re out of my life immediately. I have no tolerance for that shit. You burn too much energy up thinking about how someone is trying to fuck you over. Whatever you think can be gotten out of that person can be found risk free elsewhere.

Your vocabulary has been limited to three words for the rest of your life. Which three do you choose? 

Yes, no, and my name.

How do I ask someone to be my friend with benefits?

For women, this is pretty easy. Next time you’re alone, put your hand on their leg and see what happens.

For men, I can’t remember that well, but I always remember it having something to do with crashing at their house and getting in the same bed.

What was a time when you did something so well, that you had to downplay it to make it seem more believable

I’ve never experience this. It seems weird. I guess maybe the least believable story I tell is the time I jumped over a bar to beat a customer’s ass. However, a ton of my friends saw it happen so it’s not embellished. I’d wanted everyone to know about it because it was so rad.

Where would you rather be right now, if you did not live where you are?

New Orleans, but I’d like to spend a year or two in Los Angeles first.

What was the act of kindness that got you into major trouble?

I drove a junkie to Memphis to pick up her things. We ended up getting chased out of the city by some kids she stole from after we got spotted at a coffee shop. On the way back home to Louisiana, I ran off the road and flipped my truck on its side into a ditch.

Lesson learned.


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