These Debates Suck


As I predicted, whoever you thought was going to win the debate is who you thought won the debate. I’m a selfish savage and hate all that the two parties represent. Even their legit achievements don’t diminish my apathetic sneering. And now Gary Johnson is on my shit list, so I am officially without a candidate. Yes, I’m that guy.

I hear your stupid objections. Anything but a vote for Hillary is an affirmation of the birther apocalypse. The Klan robe wearing comet headed to destroy all life on our little spinning hunk of dirt can only be stopped by lining up for the great pantsuited gorgon and praying to the dark gods who’s worshippers feed upon her noxious droppings.

And now the Trumpkins. To let Hillary win will issue in an era where church will be replaced by mandatory Black Lives Matter protests. We will have to destroy our guns as quickly as Hillary destroyed her emails, which were no doubt hiding the Sasquatch pedophile ring her husband started with Ted Kennedy.

All of you sound dumber than that.

Look, the oligarchs of this world like things the way they are way too much for any real change to happen. Sure, you might get to rearrange the chairs a bit, but this fetid ship will sail onward to ever increasing mediocrity no matter what soulless cretin is at the wheel. The currents are too strong. The gods hate us too much. And you know what? Hot water comes out of faucets, toilets flush, and they keep making superhero movies. Life is fairly tolerable for most of us.

These debates went exactly how I thought they might. You could make a case the moderator showed bias for Clinton. He didn’t ask her about anything about Benghazi or the Clinton Foundation but so the fuck what? Trump should have known that and prepared for it. He literally could’ve gone on the pro-Trump Reddit page and memorized the top 20 burns and completely savaged Clinton. Why not hire people like Ben Shapiro and Milo to work on better lines to roast her?

Clinton’s questions may have been softer, but her answers weren’t. She was in control for most of the debate and the lies she told were harder to detect than the pants on fire level fabrications spewed from Trump’s face-anus.

Trump came out mostly strong in the first 20 or so minutes of the debate. Clinton’s support for the TPP is an issue and since the public (and her campaign when it’s convenient for them) links her to her husband’s programs, she is sort of on the hook for NAFTA.

The “Trumped up trickle down” line she kept repeating is corny as hell. Her meme magic skills are zero. But, once Clinton started hitting Trump on his taxes, she started to win. He got defensive and he ate a fiery bowl of cocks because his ego craved the taste of charred dong. As soon as she said the thing about how he pays no taxes, he should’ve gone full Tony Robbins and said something like:

“Yeah I barely pay taxes. I only get to do that because I can afford great lawyers and accountants. I want the middle class to experience the same. Because of that I’m able to live how I want and start more business that create jobs and share the wealth. This helps communities and makes every one better off. I want everyone to have my success. If you have your own money, you won’t have to use Clinton’s Marxist scheme to take it from others.”

But he didn’t because he’s a buffoon.

Trump didn’t really go in too hard on the emails, but that shit is a dead end anyway. Most people don’t understand what happened and the people who do, know that she will never be held accountable. The only way this will be an issue is if Wikileaks has some insane shit to release. Waiting for that is like waiting for a streaker to run out and stop a game winning touchdown with under a minute on the clock in the Superbowl. It could happen, but don’t count on it.

Famous Republican hand job giving pollster Frank Luntz (who’s book about manipulating people I quite like) ran a focus group right after the debate. It affirmed everything I thought: it was as if people were watching different debates. Trump people thought he put his nuts on her chin. Clinton people thought she served him a hot plate of turds. Bernie people just repacked the bowl in their bongs and re-watched YouTube documentaries “debunking” the lunar landing.

What a time to be alive.



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