Adult Toddlers Everywhere


I’m a product of the 80s. I had and loved the original Nintendo. I’ve seen the sun coming up playing Goldeneye with my great friend Josh many times. Mrs. Lott wondered where I was after my shift at the bar when I spent weeks playing Call of Duty with by buddies who lived behind the club.

Despite all that, I do not understand Pokemon Go. Today I saw at least a dozen people on their lunch breaks, freed from the cubicle filled offices surrounding my own, staring at their phones more intensely than ever, shuffling their pale bodies around the streets in search of imaginary creatures. It is fucking weird.

The fact that millions of grown ass men (and a few women) are obsessed with collecting cartoon creatures is disturbing to me. Where is your spirit? Why aren’t you picking up huge stones or throwing axes into trees? We should be wrestling in the park. We should be slap fighting. Or shooting each other in the neck with BB guns.

Right now in Russia there are children beating each other with razor wire for fun. The Chinese are genetically engineering astrophysicist powerlifters. What the fuck are we doing?


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