Sunday Advice Column #18

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July. I’m sort of surprised we’re even allowed to celebrate it these days. I imagine the media would never support a bunch of people arming themselves and breaking free of a monarchy today. We’d probably have top ten lists about King George’s best outfits and op-eds about how selfish Americans are for wanting to be free of England.

 

Anyway, I don’y have the mindset for a full on political rant today. I’ve been sitting on my couch all morning with a cuddly little dog. I finished a book about farming and death and am moving on to something else, I haven’t chosen yet. Let’s get to the questions.

I need a new car, but I’m broke, what should I do?

Don’t get a lease. They’re the most expensive way of operating a car. And don’t get a car you can’t afford. The dealership will make it seem like you can afford pretty much anything on the lot, but that’s a lie. You might be able to squeeze the payment into your life, but that money could be much better spent working against your other debts.

Get the safest car you can pay the least amount for and stay up on the maintenance. In a year sell it and add any money that you’ve saved to your next car purchase. Cars are cool, but they don’t actually make you cooler. That’s all in your head. All you really need to do is be able to get to your job and back.

Are enemies just friends you haven’t made yet? 

It totally depends on if they’re trying to kill you or defeat you in some way. Smash them first, then offer friendship. But be wary.

What is your favorite still from a movie? 

at-at

Is bad driving bad for our health?

If it causes stress or a collision it is. I can’t wait for self driving cars. Most people have no business operating a motorized vehicle and they’d rather be texting anyway.

What is the creepiest thing that society accepts as a cultural norm? 

The sexualization of teens. Whether it be an Abercrombie & Fitch campaign or pre-pubescent runway models, this is just fucked up.

What do you have in your refrigerator that most people do not?

I have a Yoda puppet from my childhood in the freezer. I’ve had it in there for years.

Should I call in a noise complaint on a family with a crying baby?

Only if they’re causing it to cry. I hate small kids and can sympathize with this nuisance, but it’s simply the cost of living around people. If it were still tribal days, you’d probably have to carry that little bastard around for them.

 

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