Sunday Advice Column #16

The Raft of the Medusa by Gericault. My all time favorite painting.

The last week or so I’ve been a little checked out of the news cycle. It all sounds terrible and there’s not much you can do globally anyway. It’s not all hopeless, though. You can show up for your friends. You can call your family. You can make a homeless dude a sandwich. No politics required.

I’m in a bit of a rush (need to watch Preacher before bed) so here are a few quick answers to some questions.

Is it really better for you to forgive someone’s unforgivable acts and if so, how is that possible?

Personally, I’m all about vengeance. My wife had this friend who was a total cunt and did some shit I consider unforgivable. She’s out of our lives and if she were to be chainsaw murdered by a pack of ISIS savages, I’d have to tip my hat to them.

Is it better to forgive? I don’t know about that, but sometimes the anger and hate can eat at you. If the grudge is causing you grief, then you have to be real with yourself. But here’s the deal, you never have to let that asshole back in your life. Ever.

What was the worst meal that you ate out of politeness?

My buddy Gene takes great delight in consuming meat products that are created in opposition to societal decency. It’s his gastronomical version of voting for Trump or something. This is the weirdest damn thing to me because he has really good taste in things and is among my most well-traveled friends.

He made some sort of canned meat “steakum” tacos one day and they were tough to get down. Out of solidarity with his culinary “fuck you” to the world, I gave them a try, but the texture and flavor of the meat was about as gnarly as I imagine a boiled rat corpse to taste.

What’s a psychological hack to dress well every day?

I assume what you’re looking for here is motivation to dress well. There are only two things I think really work long term. The first is being single and wanting to land someone decent. This was the only reason I ever put any effort into my appearance.

The second hack is thinking about the concept of a “ghost outfit.” In many ghost stories, whatever you die in, is what you will be wearing for eternity; like Beetlejuice and The Sixth Sense. Chances are my specter will be clad in Levis and a black t-shirt.

What is the single most revealing thing about any person?

Their book shelf.

What quality in others makes you want to slap them?

Fundamentalism of all kinds.

What is the worst act you have ever witnessed?

About 17 years ago on Halloween I was hanging out in the French Quarter when I saw a very large man dragging a woman, I assume his girlfriend, down the street by her hair. It was such an insanely violent act, people just froze solid.

I would like to say I intervened, but I didn’t. This was before I trained in any martial arts and I had a head full of acid. It’s a lame excuse, but that’s where I was at.

This skinny dude dressed up like Pan walked up and tried to break them apart. Pan had a wooden flute in his hand and hit the large man in the face with it. It was like watching a child strike an adult with a pool noodle. The woman beater took the flute from Pan and proceeded to beat him to the ground with it. Pan’s face was slashed so severely I’m sure he has scars to this day.

The woman this young man tried to help walked over to him while he was bleeding on the ground and kicked him in the stomach twice. That, more than the actual beating, was the lowest shit I’ve ever seen.




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