Today marks my 15th anniversary with Mrs. Lott. Or if you go by my facts, tomorrow does. We met through mutual scooter riding friends and have been a major pain in each others’ asses ever since. I don’t know if any of these stupid dating apps would’ve ever put us together today, but I’m glad we met before awful, unfuckable nerds designed new ways for lonely people to connect.
Mrs. Lott is my best friend and constant companion. I think about her all day and still get excited to see her when I get home. Since we’re 15 years in, I figure I’ll go ahead and give you fifteen reasons why she’s the one for me.
- She is beautiful to look at. I figured I’d get the shallow one out of the way first. Anyone who’s met her would agree and it’s certainly worth mentioning.
- She is extremely funny. We laugh all the time. At each other and at other people’s expense. Our shared sense of humor tend towards the dark and the absurd.
- She can cook. This was truer before she went vegan, but even without the benefit of tasty animal flesh, she still rocks it out in the kitchen.
- I’ve never known a harder worker. She is a total psycho when it comes to work. She’s taking care of shit all day and never complains. I think she has faulty wiring, because she seems to actually like it.
- She listens to metal. I remember being quite pleased when I went home with her the first time and saw the entire Slayer discography on her shelf. Unfortunately, the entire Smiths back catalogue was next to it, but I guess no one’s perfect.
- She is a parallel parking wizard. This is an odd one to mention, but her skills are so insane they have to be recognized. Spots I would immediately abandon are not even a challenge for her.
- She gets really scared watching horror movies. There is simply no one I’d rather watch a scary movie with. She talks to the screen, warns characters to “not go in there” and gasps at jump scares. It’s the best.
- She’s into cars. Like really into them. I can’t even tell you how many ear beatings I’ve had to endure about the merits of various Porsche models. I think this is the year she’ll finally get her race car.
- She’s into scooters. We actually met through scooters. She has a beautifully restored Vespa with a souped up motor. She drives it like a crazy person despite it having the worst brakes and shocks of any machine I’ve ever driven.
- She is a Diaz Brothers fan. It took a while for her to get into MMA, but now she is totally down for Stockton’s finest. We’re already planning a massive party for UFC 202. Neither of us can wait to see Nate knock the Lucky Charms out of Mr. Touch Butt.
- She is kind to crazy people. We’re both sort of weirdo magnets. Mrs. Lott has a way with the odd and broken members of our society.
- If she says she’ll show up, she’ll show up. I’ve never met anyone as committed to her word. No matter how tired or over it she is, if she made plans with you, there’ll be no canceling them. Even if you want to cancel them.
- She is a runner. I can’t even tell you how many half and full marathons she’s done. Like me, she’s not big on training. She gets to the finish line on pure toughness (and caffeine).
- She gets along with my family. This is a big deal because my bloodline, while very sweet, is not the easiest. When people try to tell me their parents “are so crazy” I always laugh. Dude, you have no fucking idea.
- She loves me. I don’t know how anyone would and I don’t know how she sticks around. I’m moody, angry, sharp, sullen, and prone to melancholy. She puts up with all of my craziness and obsessions. She makes me better and she pushes me to do more than I ever imagined I would.
I could probably do a hundred more, but I’m going to stick with the plan and stop at 15. I don’t know if Mrs. Lott will read this (she rarely looks at this blog) but if she does, I hope she knows she will forever be the light of my life.
She has saved me from myself on more occasions than I care to think about. She has made a real home for us and has kept friends and family in our life. I’ve never known anyone with as much heart or integrity. She can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but all truly great people are.
Mrs. Lott, I love you more than you or anyone will ever know. I hope to hold hands at the end of the world so we can watch the sky burn out together. You mean everything to me and being with you is the best thing I’ve ever done.