Axl Rose, You’re Better Than This

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If you were alive and listening to music in 1987 you could not ignore the sheer force of Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction. That album was pure animal sex at a time when FALSE METAL was ascendent. Despite being thoroughly glam, Guns N Roses managed to communicate menace and sleaze. It was a hard, mean album that strippers still love.

I can’t even imagine how much pussy this guy got in pre-AIDS Los Angeles. He was good looking, had an incredible voice, and fronted one of the all time great rock and roll bands. For a time he was the dick slinging king of the world. But he got fat, which is an executable offense in our country.

There are quite a few unflattering pictures of Axl’s girth going around the internet and he has apparently lawyered up in an effort to get Google to take them off the internet. Which of course caused them to replicate like horny tribbles. There is no stopping this shit storm of fat shaming now.

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Now look. If you’re big and happy, I say fuck yeah, you be you. Other than some potential heart issues and discomfort sitting in coach on a plane, there’s not a damn aesthetic thing wrong with being hefty. I think a solid option for Axl would be to go full Marlon Brando and hit the stage like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. Meatloaf and Pavarotti both performed as heavy weights and ultimately, Axl’s fans just want to hear his great voice. Only bullshit haters and TMZ really give a fuck about his size.

Fat shaming is indeed fucked up, but if you don’t want to be shopping at the Big & Tall, you really have to address what you put in your mouth and how you move your body. That’s just a fact and facts don’t care about your feelings.

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The horror. 

If I was Axl’s friend, this is the advice I’d give him: stop sticking your dick into the hornet’s nest that is the internet and get to the fucking gym. Take whatever money you were going to embarrassingly flush down the toilet on a legal team that thinks Google can stop a horde of trolls from making fun of your tubby ass. Spend it on lifting weights and buying whatever amazing steroids they’re shooting into J.K. Simmons.

He’s 61 years old and swole as fuck. He’s the dad from Juno for christ’s sake. There is no reason for him to look like Thor stole an old man’s head, but thanks to the amazing programming he gets from The Rock’s trainer Aaron Williamson (and whatever weapons grade protein powder he’s abusing) he is now the sexiest senior in Hollywood.

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J.K. is not a sex symbol, but that did’t stop him from getting epically shredded. 

I know from personal experience being on the wrong side of middle age is terrible. God has cursed us with frail meat vehicles that give up a little more each year. I’m not a globally recognized former sex symbol, but if I had the money, I’d call up the cast of The Expendables and ask them where to buy the HGH and how many preacher curls they recommend. Hell, I might even take creatine.

Axl is never going to stop the internet from posting those pics, but he could turn them into “before” pictures. Imagine how much press he’d get if he showed up with some Jason Statham style old man traps and abs. That shit would rule.

Think of it this way: there are no fat Henry Rollins pictures online. Is it a conspiracy? No. That hard motherfucker never stopped lifting and he looks great and he’s a year older than Axl. Google isn’t going to provide a safe space so there are only two moves: Own your weight or own the weights.

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Choose your training partners wisely.

 

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