Sunday Advice Column #11


This column finally goes to eleven. Rock out. I ended up with more questions than I had space for this week, but I will be getting to them next week. The motorcycle thing below ate up a lot of space. Blame Pat Collins.

How many dates before someone should start reasonably anticipating some physical manifestation? 

It’s more about quality of dates than quantity of dates. If you have great chemistry right away and both people are DTF, then game on. If it’s not happening, then it’s probably not a great fit and you should evaluate yourself. If you’re unfuckable, you have some work to do. This can seem unfair, but unless you take action, you’re going to be stuck with porn sites and sadness.

Mrs. Lott and I committed a fairly serious offense against chastity right out the gate and are now happily married fifteen years later. I’m not saying this is the right thing to do, but it’s not always the wrong thing either. No matter what, make sure you take the right steps to keep your dirty bits disease free and your life child free. Nothing will fuck your life up like opens sores and a kid you didn’t want.

Kids are the worst.

My Friend’s dog has a terrible addiction to lizards. Those little mini dragons drive her crazy. They’re all she ever thinks about. What can I do to stop the blood bath (the dog eats them)? She asks, “should I get rid of the lizards or get rid of the dog?”

As an owner of two completely disobedient goblin-like dogs, I empathize with your friend’s desire to get rid of her pet. She seems concerned with the lives of these little lizard creatures, but they’re basically dinosaurs and if we’ve learned anything from Jurassic Park, it’s that these cold blooded little assholes give zero fucks about humans. Lizards are sort of like spiders in that they eat insects that are really annoying to humans like mosquitos and wasps. She should just leave them alone and not try to get rid of them.

The thing to really be worried about is that lizards can carry salmonella and their feces is often riddled with weird parasites. Once a dog gets a taste for reptile flesh, they may also graduate to toad munching, which can expose them to poisons and hallucinogens. This can be fun for a human, but it will be a bad scene for a dog.


She should make sure the dog is taught the “leave it” command. Our older dog has a fierce craving for poop and this command is essential to her remaining a beloved member of our household.

Would you rather fight 100 duck sized horses or a duck the size of a horse? 

I’d fight the swarm. I’m pretty sure after I kicked the shit out of like 20 of them, the rest would lose their nerve and run. If they had some kind of hive mind, that might be a problem, but ducks and horses don’t usually rock it like that. Either way it would be sad to fight something so cool. I would love to have a tiny herd of horses following me around.

If you could eat one non-edible thing, what would it be? 

I was actually just thinking about this yesterday. From a survivability standpoint, if you could safely ingest saltwater, you’d be almost unstoppable. Another great one would be dirt. Imagine if you could just grab a handful of sod and fuel yourself up. You would save so much money.

What’s one of the most important life lessons you’ve learned in your years so far that you would give to a young adult/college student?

Handle your finances and don’t take on debt for anything. If that means dropping out of college, drop out of college and chip away at your degree with cash money. Don’t go to expensive private colleges or pay out of state tuition. Almost no one gives a shit about where you went to school.

People never want to hear this, but your financial situation has more to do with your internal discipline than external pressures. I’ve found no better system for achieving basic financial literacy than Dave Ramsey’s books. Broke people always want to debate his advice. Unless you’re rich and made your own money, I don’t want to hear a peep out of you about this shit.

dave ramsey
Don’t listen to poor losers for money advice. Dave Ramsey rules.

What’s the best first motorcycle to get? 

There are three basic things to ask yourself if you’re bike-curious: what kind of biker do you imagine yourself to be? How mechanically capable are you? Is this going to be your primary mode of transportation?

The first question will address the style of bike you look for. If you have fantasies of one day being the next Valentino Rossi, then you’ll want some kind of sport bike. If you’re into Sons of Anarchy cosplay and you’re an aging skateboarder, then you’ll want a crusty cruiser. If most of your clothes come from REI, I see a trail capable dual sport in your future. If you’re a barista, then you’re going to get a shitty vintage Honda with drop bars.

This dude knows how to make the best latte foam because his motorcycling experience is so real.

Your mechanical aptitude will be a large factor in what you buy. If you’ve never turned a wrench, you should get something newer, preferably Japanese. If you can fix anything, you might be a candidate for a Triumph or Moto Guzzi. Matthew Crawford, author of Shop Class as Soulcraft, a book about fixing motorcycles and philosophy, has a great quote: “old bikes don’t flatter you, they educate you.” If I had my whole motorcycle experience to do over, I would’ve spent more time learning how to repair my own bikes. All my friends that do their own work enjoy it and seem to have a better experience.

If you’re getting a bike to solve a commute or parking problem in your life, do not get anything too busted. The first six months of riding is when most accidents happen and it’s better to be paying attention to the road than stuff falling off of your bike. That said, there is something to be said for the character building that comes along with fucking around with old bikes.

A first bike should not be more than 500-600ccs. High displacement engines give new riders way too much power on tap. It’s ludicrously easy to lose control or execute a surprise wheelie.

As bad as this is, at least it’s not another dirtbag chopper bro art student with a plaid shirt.

You should also not buy a brand new bike as your first bike. The motorcycle gods punish this folly and you will likely drop your shiny new ride within three days of owning it. Motorcycles are strangely fragile and even a low speed tip over can do hundreds of dollars worth of cosmetic damage. Get something used so when you scratch it up, it won’t be as sad.

Here are my picks for new riders:

Kawasaki Ninja (250-500cc). This is the classic first bike. They handle great, they’re cheap, and they’re fun to ride. If you’re a fashion victim and you imagine yourself on a cafe racer or chopper, you might not dig the aesthetics, but there really is no better first bike. They are great to learn on and there are even track days for this class of bike, which is a great way to learn how to ride at your edge. Parts are affordable and easy to find. Expect to own this bike for a year, sell it for a tiny bit less than you paid, and then get a bigger bike.

Not cool in any way, but totally functional. The bike too.

Suzuki DRZ-400. This is basically a dirt bike. You can get different levels of tread for your tires from street to off-road and have fun all over the place. They’re mellow and the upright riding position is killer for traffic. Longer commutes kind of suck without wind protection, though. These are super fun on trails and dirt track days.

Honda CB500. You can get this bike in a few different engine configurations from racer to dual sport. They all have smooth power and are incredibly reliable. If you like to ride more than wrench, this is a good choice. They are great on gas.

Suzuki SV 650. These bikes have a little more power, but they are the classic boring commuter crotch rocket. Buy one that is bone stock and totally unmodified. There are all kinds of cool suspension and power upgrades you can do to these as you go, but don’t take on some other dill hole’s problems. This is probably what you’d move up to after a Ninja. This bike is also not considered cool.

SV 650
Some people have way too much time on their hands.

Newer Retro Bikes. There are all kind of bikes out there now that look like cool old bikes, but don’t require the same maintenance. The Triumph Bonneville and Thruxton are bikes in this class. If looks are really important to you and you have money to burn, these are decent choices. I have had nothing but trouble with Triumphs so I would never buy one, but they do look cool.

Scooters. If you just want to get around the city quick and save on gas, get a scooter. They’re cheap and easy to drive. If you live in the Bay Area, go see Barry Gwinn at SF Scooter Centre. He has a whole bunch of electric powered scooters that are cheap and easy to drive. They’re kind of like a cross between a Vespa and a Tesla.

Me and my girlfriend are having a dinner party, two of the guests are goth, like 1995 era goth, my question is, do goths like salad? If I were goth I would hate carrots, all bright and happy orange. Then I thought maybe I would go with red beets, but is that to presumptuous? I am at a loss, please advice help me out here.

Shrimp cocktail a la ghoul is a traditional goth meal.

Bright colors in a salad are fine. Goths basically eat what normal people do. Many of them are vegetarians due to Morrissey and Skinny Puppy’s influence. I’ve had this idea for a while that goth couples are basically a weird kind of comedy and magic duo, so that should guide your culinary selections more than anything. If you wanted to make some cookies in the shape of bats, that would be a nice nod to their culture.

What is one thing that you don’t procrastinate about and why do you think that is?

I don’t procrastinate about writing this blog. The reason is that I’ve made it a daily habit and I have set a clear goal. Things that you do frequently and with purpose are always easy to get in front of. Procrastination is usually a symptom of start anxiety. Starting is the hardest part for anything and it’s all mental.





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