I’m Not Surprised Motherfuckers

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Tonight there is much wailing and tearing of shirts in the GOP and many of my misguided liberal friends are shocked at what’s happened. I knew from day one Trump would be the nominee. It’s not because I’m so smart. It’s because I have an almost preternatural ability to predict horror and destruction.

Ask me to pick a good stock or a Superbowl winner and I can’t do it. Ask me to guess who’s story is bullshit or which creep in a room is a predator, I’ll figure it out every time. This is the only real benefit of being a truly black hearted cynic. I do not believe the arc of history bends towards justice. I do not believe there is an arc. There is only cosmic indifference and madness. If there was an arc, it would bend to the absurd and the infuriating. Progress is an illusion and it is entirely subjective.

Trump is winning because he stands for nothing. He’s like those internet trolls that rile you up.  As you argue, you might come to a point where you think you’ve got them, but all you’ve done is lower yourself to an ad hominem rampage while they show you their balls, fart, and tell you “they only did it for the LOLZ.” You can’t defeat trolls. All you can do is stop feeding them. And our media makes too much money covering the Great Trumpkin to starve him.

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I’ll say this for the man. He is funny. You might not be able to see it because you’ve been drooling over that dreary old socialist or trying to hypnotize yourself into believing Clinton isn’t a four star asshole, but the man has good comic timing and he knows how to play the dozens (if you’re not familiar, that’s a tradition whereby folks shit on each other mercilessly as a form of bonding).

His humor and ruthlessness is the key to his victory. Everyone, including myself, was stoked on Obama ripping into everyone at the White House Press Correspondents’ Dinner a few nights ago. After each one, his approval ratings have gone up. This is what people want to hear. They want realness. They want edge. They want cruelty. And Trump gives it every single day. I imagine if he delivers a speech at the Correspondents’ Dinner, he’ll just do The Aristocrats

The joke’s really on the GOP, though. Trump is a shitty conservative with a history of flip-flopping on the issues they claim to care about most: abortion, free trade, hell, he even suggested it’s the government’s job to take care of sick people. The horror!

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It looks like the only thing standing in Trump’s way is Hillary Clinton. I know some of you still have a candle lit for Bernie, but that old kook has failed you. If he had come out swinging and actually hit Hillary hard the way Trump hit Cruz and the rest of the occupants of the Republican clown car, your $27 donations might have done something. But he wasted your money. Which should give you some satisfaction as that was basically his plan for America. Giving muggles free college. What a maroon.

But fear not future FEMA camp dwellers. Hillary has a lot of corporate money and an actual  resume that trumps Trump’s. She might just win. I wouldn’t exactly be heartened by the polls that have her coming out ahead, though. All these pollsters were dead wrong on Trump all the way up to now and there are a lot of people who will be voting for him, but do not want to tell a pollster they will. I’m tempted to just because it’s a once in a lifetime trolling opportunity and California won’t go his way anyway.

For the record, my guy was Libertarian nutcase Rand Paul. His two thumbs up to guns and weed won me over. Unfortunately, my horse died in the first 100m of this race.

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