Deadpool is Mediocre at Best

deadpool
WARNING: This shit has more spoilers than a Japanese car show. 

After hearing enough of you yap about it, I finally got around to watching Deadpool. It’s ok. Like C+ ok. The only reason why anyone is raving about this movie is because the rest of the Marvel films are so fucking weak and your collective standards are lower than Morrisey’s sex drive.

Let me start with the few positives so I can get them out of the way. Ryan Reynolds is made for the role. His comic timing is excellent and you can tell he is a mirthful human, which you’d have to be to make Deadpool any decent. His banter with T.J. Miller is the funniest part of the film and he brings a romantic comedy warmth to the parts of the film with that hot chick from Firefly.

Though I like the way the film addresses its low budget, you can’t help but feel the film would’ve been better with more than two of the X-Men no one cares about and a gunless gun fight. From a craft perspective, you have to respect figuring out how to work with less, but this movie needed way more fire power.

plug
Butt plug joke. So edgy. 

I’m a huge Gina Carano fan, but her character was just boring. The best things she got to do were armbar a CGI character and let her tittie flop out. And about that. This movie is supposed to be R rated. Why does it suddenly get all PG-13 when it comes to the sex scenes? Sure, there’s some funny ass play insinuated, but if you already have the R, why not just go for it? Is America not ready for a full shot of a strap on? The first South Park movie already went harder. You can’t go back.

The main villain is also a total bust and doesn’t make any fucking sense at all. If you have the knowledge to make crazy super mutants, why would you be showing up on a dock to broker an arms trade? Why did Deadpool wait a year to confront him? Is his super villain power being super strong and handsome? Why would anyone show up for work to protect him when an unkillable clown with swords is after his ass? What was the point of even making Deadpool if you were just going to blow up your super villain lair to spite him. This plot is stupid.

Deadpool is supposed to be beyond insane, and for a lot of the movie he does act sort of crazy, but that completely goes away about halfway through the movie. Also, he’s not that insane. All the physically dangerous stuff anyone would be willing to do with a high level healing factor. And his dialog isn’t that crazy. I could show you some text messages between me and my friends that would make this whole movie seem like an episode of He-Man.

sloorp

The dialog is actually pretty good for a shitty comic book movie, but the fact that anyone would consider it the knife edge of offensive or subversive is just sad. I could probably hear some harder shit playing Cards Against Humanity with my 10 year old nephew. Is this supposed to be pushing the envelope? I guess for bitch ass liberal Ben Affleck feltching Hollywood it is.

I know, I can hear you bitching. “Bro, it’s better than X-Men.” Everything is better than X-Men. And the Avengers fucking sucked too. These are Saturday morning cartoons for emasculated man children. We deserve better than this. Our heroes should be better. Their  villains should be scarier. The stakes should be higher. When America fell in love with comics, the heroes were fighting Nazis and shit. Now they always fight fruity ass robots because you can murder an assload of them and keep a PG-13 rating. It’s a sad fucking state.

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