Sunday Advice Column #9


This right wing radio host will improve your life, even if you’re a godless commie.

Today marks the 78th day of my daily blogging challenge. I was born in 1978 so I figure I’ll start this advice column off with a more solipsistic than usual account of the advice I’ve found incredibly useful as of late.

Get Debt Free. 

If I could be said to have a guru, it would definitely be Dave Ramsey. He’s a hardcore Evangelical Christian with a personal finance education empire. If you’re swimming in debt and you don’t know what to do, put on your big kid pants and read Total Money Makeover or listen to The Dave Ramsey Show (it’s also on iTines).

There’s no trickery in his method. You have to make a plan, commit to it, and sacrifice what it takes to win. My wife and I were in around $60K worth of debt when I first heard about Dave (thanks Tamara). I’m going to write a longer piece about our debt free journey this week.

Once you’re debt free, life completely changes. You can make real plans, you’ll get along better with your partner, you’ll sleep better. It sounds like bullshit, but the true bullshit is living the life of a paycheck to paycheck debt slave.

This is the kind of mate you can crush your enemies with.

Train Very Hard. 

I think physical fitness is essential to happiness. The least happy people I know are lazy blobs that never move around. Start small and don’t be too hard on yourself at first, but make a plan to ramp things up as you go. Your body is getting older every second and will start falling apart soon, if it’s not falling apart already.

Personally, I like to workout in groups. If you make your training group your social group, you’ll stay more committed. Instead of going to bars, I go to the gym. Lately I’ve been enjoying Crossfit quite a bit. There are for sure things to criticize about it and having a personal program developed for your specific goals is best (and expensive), but no other mainstream fitness methodology will introduce you to as much good stuff.

Strong people are objectively more useful than weak people. A stronger version of yourself will be more useful than the current version of yourself. Even walking a mile a day will get you moving in the right direction.


Work On Skills. 

If you don’t know how to do anything, you’re functionally worthless. Something I’ve been looking to do is turn more of my social time into skill swapping time. For example, I’m going to shoot rifles with my buddy next week. When I get another motorcycle I’m going to do the work with a friend.

The bummer about my career is that it rewards desk skills and those aren’t so useful to most folks. Lately I’ve been writing things for people and helping with marketing ideas for small companies. People seem to find value in it. Think about what you know how to do and find people who now things you would like to know how to do. Get together and help each other.

On to your questions.

This position is questionable.

What would you name a Star Wars themed yoga studio?

This is a tough one. There’s something funny about “Yoda Yoga”, but I don’t really have much else. Maybe “The Breath Star”? Honestly, I’d rather just open a Back Metal Yoga studio like the one in Austin.

Name aside, I find all gimmicky yoga to be pretty lame. I’ve gone to Ganja Yoga a few times and it was sort of a let down. The yoga taught was extremely slow and gentle, which I’m sure is cool for some people, but not for an aggro-stoner like myself.

I was going to yoga super high for a while, but quickly discovered that it was getting in the way of doing the inversions. Cannabis, contrary to the new propaganda, is not good for everything.

David Wolfe is a total cunt. Don’t share his memes.

Say someone tried to sell you a pill that could boost your energy, improve your body’s ability to repair its DNA, and keep you healthier as you get older. Scam?

Unless it was super expensive and you started to see very rich people all over the world going all Benjamin Button, this is definitely a scam.

How can I get my kid to sleep through the night?

I don’t have much for you here. My take is that an ounce of contraception is worth a pound of parenting. I think that’s how it goes. If you’ve already pumped one out, I think you’re at their mercy until they turn 18.

Taylor Swift is America’s greatest export.

How many silver metallic vintage pantsuits is too many?

It really depends on your lifestyle. For mine, one is too many. If you’re Dazzler from The X-Men or Taylor Swift (who may be playing Dazzler) you can’t have enough. Personally, I like anything that looks magical and white trash at the same time, so I say stock up.

If red is a power color for women to wear, what’s men’s power color? Pink?

Wearing pink is a trick played on men by fashion necromancers. It’s proven to reduce testosterone. You know who wears pink? Kanye. Don’t be like Kanye. Now I know at least one of you is thinking, “I like pink, I think it looks good on men.” You are wrong. Very wrong. You might even be the reason civilization is decline. I pray you don’t find some pink clad cuckold and reproduce.

The color I wear the most is black, but mostly for practical reasons. For years I worked in bars and rode vintage motorcycles that always broke down. I’d get liquor or oil on myself enough to completely rule out anything else. I also grew up listening to Johnny Cash, so I thought his whole schtick was pretty cool. I work in a tidy office now, but the color stuck.

More than power colors, men have power outfits. The best thing for men to appear powerful in is a very well cut dark suit. By well cut, I mean no pleats and not baggy. Go to a tailor and tell him you want to look like Nick Cave. For casual wear, dark jeans without any embellishments or pre-cut holes, a black t-shirt and either Converse Chuck Taylors or black work boots is best. Don’t overdo it though. You don’t want to look like hipster Fonzie.

My own look has really fallen apart lately. I have way too many ironic t-shirts for a middle aged man and my entire head looks like a caveman from a Geico commercial. Honestly, I need to do something soon.

The more you look like Viggo in Eastern Promises, the better.

Why do some people not drink water, like…at all?

Lots of people get their hydration through other fluids like coffee, soda, and bourbon. The new science says this is ok to live, but not ideal. I drink about 2/3 of a gallon of water everyday. My goal is to pee clear. When I only drink coffee and no water, my breathe smells like what I imagine the vampires in Lost Boys‘ breathe to smell like. Drink water. It’s good for you. And you won’t smell like a rotting corpse.

What’s your favorite baby animal?


Is a goatee really just a mohawk for your face?

Yes. Except it’s free of the negative association of the first five seasons of The Ultimate Fighter where everyone had faux hawks and bedazzled Affliction t-shirts.


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