Sunday Advice Column #7

TurtlesCleaning

Today was a long one dear readers. Mrs. Lott was out of town and I cleaned our home in a way that would’ve made Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest happy. I’m talking floor scrubbing, fridge cleaning, dog bed washing.

When in doubt, clean. It helps with existential despair and will reduce your allergies if you’re a sufferer like me. Our place is actually pretty clean all the time because we don’t have much stuff and are child free. The dogs contribute more than their fair share of grime, but that’s to be expected from dumb little animals that like to roll in filth and eat gross shit off the street.

Cleaning is not something I grew up with a passion for, but lately I’ve found it to be quite relaxing. I was quite a mess in my early twenties. My minimalist inclinations have always kind of helped out, though. It’s easy to stay organized when there’s not much to organize.

When my wife first came to spend a night at my apartment she was greeted with an empty room with a futon and blankets on the floor as a bed. I pushed an overflowing vintage metal ashtray and several empty Jameson fifths out of the way so we could get more comfortable. I still don’t know what she was thinking, but fortunately my charm and sexual prowess were adequate to win her heart. One thing’s for certain, she didn’t marry me for money.

On to the questions.

zombie

What do I do with my rage when all four or five lanes of traffic on any Bay Area highway are all going to the same speed, which just happens to be 4 miles under the speed limit?

Welcome to the new reality of Bay Area living. All the freeways will suck spiny cat dick at all times until people decide it’s time to stop making bullshit apps and go back to whatever flaccid Norman Rockwell town they came from. We now have LA traffic without LA tens. It’s bullshit.

Basically what I’m saying is you’re stuck. I recommend podcasts and audiobooks to keep your sanity. It’s also nice to call people, especially family. In this age of email and texts, it’s pleasant to hear someone you love’s voice. Even when you’re stuck behind a Prius covered in Obama 2008 stickers.

toilet

I always have to poop, I think it’s from smoking and drinking, I definitely want to poop less, but love smoking and drinking. How can I poop less and keep up my habits that cause me to?

Caffeine, alcohol, and nicotine all stimulate the colon. My first thought was to recommend adding an opiate to your regimen. Something like Vicodin or Percoset. They cause a bit of constipation which may help counteract the frequent pooping.

That said, pooping a lot is usually pretty good for you and an opiate addiction probably isn’t. I imagine you might have some shame, embarrassment or anxiety if you chamber one while you’re out and about. You can always start choosing the places you go based on bathroom cleanliness.

If it was me, I’d just lean into my naturally reclusive tendencies and get shit faced at home so I could shit in place I enjoy.

When is it ok to mix love and business? 

I’m going to assume you don’t mean the business of love, AKA prostitution, which is ok, as long as everyone’s consenting and there aren’t any bullshit pimps involved. Man I hate a pimp. It drives me crazy that the term “pimp” has any positive connotations at all. In my opinion anyone involved in pimping is a total cunt and needs to die.

If mean mixing love and business in a professional setting, there are a few things to consider. If you’re both employed at the same place, it’s cool, just make sure you don’t do anything that annoys your coworkers. I worked with these two that would sneak off and fuck in the bathroom at work. I definitely am incline to give that kind of deviant behavior the thumbs up, but only if it doesn’t interfere with work in a way that puts stress on other people.

Personally, I don’t think I could work with Mrs. Lott regularly. We have had quite a bit of overlapping business over the years, but she is a total workaholic and if we worked together, I doubt I would be able to relax ever. You both need to be on the same page about unplugging from the grind, otherwise you will begin to hate each other.

deuce

Assuming every man and woman has their price, what is yours?

It depends on what the buyer is trying to get. Usually this question is sexual in nature. In that case, I’m reminded of that old joke where an old rich man asks a young woman, “darling, if I gave you ten million dollars worth of diamonds, would you have sex with me?”

“For that price, my dear, yes” she replied.

“Ok, how about for $100?”

“Of course not” she gasped, clutching her pearls. “Do you think I’m a whore?”

“Yes darling, we’ve already established that, now we’re just haggling.”

For years my price was nothing, I was happy to give the D away for free. These days I’m committed to my sweet wife, so it would take quite a bit of cash. The thing is, you have to live with yourself after the deed, so you need to move the ball down the field a considerable distance.

twain

When is it ok for your partner to lie to you or you to them? 

I’m really hard line on lying. I don’t think it’s ever ok to lie. When I find out someone is a liar, it’s almost impossible for me to trust them.

Years ago I read a book called Radical Honesty that made quite an impression on me. The author decided he would go through life only telling the truth. It’s actually quite a psychedelic idea. By living completely honestly, he realized how much we all lie to each other. In the book he gets into quite a bit of trouble when people ask him questions like “do I look fat?” or “do you want to have sex with me?”

I tried living 100% honestly for a bit, and it was pretty difficult. These days I don’t lie, but I will plead the 5th on some things. I pride myself on being honest and I think I’ve earned a lot of respect telling people what I think, unfiltered.

For partners, I think lying is awful and should never be done. I believe how you comport yourself in minor things carries over to major things. Lying is an easy habit to get into and it opens the door for deeper deceptions. Be honest.

money

What’s more important than money?

There are only three things more important than money: health, friendship, and love. If you don’t have those, money isn’t worth a damn thing. That said, having a lot of money makes staying healthy, making friends, and finding love a lot easier, so don’t fuck up your finances.

 

 

 

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