Child Star Wars

The only “force” this dude looks like he knows about is “forced entry.”

This picture is a mugshot of Jake Lloyd, the kid who played young Anakin Skywalker in George Lucas’ dog shit Star Wars prequels. He was serving time in South Carolina for a high speed chase, but was recently moved to a psych ward because he is said to be schizophrenic.

My initial reaction was to laugh at this dude’s misfortune, but the more I thought about it, I feel really bad for him. Don’t get me wrong, I did laugh and make jokes, but afterwards I thought about how sad it is to be affected by that kind of mental illness. I’ve had my own issues with depression and it can be a real deal motherfucker to have your brain go AWOL on your ass.

I haven’t dug too deeply into this story, but apparently he was bullied very severely after The Phantom Menace came out because he was so corny in the movie. He threw away all of his Star Wars stuff and quit acting. There is one person to blame for this: George Lucas.

Lucas is a man who was got terrible performances out of Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackspn, Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, and that poor dude that played Jar Jar. Everyone else was well established, but this kid’s first time at the rodeo was an all-time bad shit show. I think George Lucas should pay all this dude’s legal and medical bills.

Macaulay Culkin. Living the dream.

Macaulay Culkin of Home Alone fame went the usual child star route, getting super into heroin and other related misanthropy. He seems to have pulled it together a bit recently, though. I saw an interview he did with TMZ or something and he referred to himself as a “retired 35 year old.” He chills and walks around New York late at night. He also spends time playing with his pizza themed Velvet Underground cover band, The Pizza Underground. He’s probably a real deal fuck up, but at least he’s doing it in style and is still making art.

This is a major turnaround.

Jonathan Lipnicki, the kid from Jerry Maguire, is probably one of the more surprising cases. Rather than get strung out on cheap drugs and hobo dicks, he got into lifting weights and MMA. Apparently he’s a legit purple belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

The difference in all these kids’ lives are probably the parents. Lipnicki’s family is involved in fight promotions here in California and his mom is a blue belt in BJJ. Culkin is estranged from his folks and sued them a few years back. I don’t know what the story is with Lloyd, but I sure as hell bet his parents were bummed when he quit acting and became a troubled youth.

I think J.J. Abrams should give him another shot. Let him be a stormtrooper or a rebel soldier or something. That kid deserved better for letting George Lucas tea bag his spirit.


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