Weak End at Bernie’s


As many of you might know, I’m no fan of Bernie Sanders. Look, I get it, your other candidate, $hillary, is not easy to like. That asshole is on stage telling people it’s wrong for the top 25 hedge fund managers in the world to be richer than all the kindergarten teachers combined, but she makes ten times what the teachers do speaking for 20 minutes in front of the people she just shit on.

And it’s no better on the other side. The top candidate for the Republicans might very well usher in the apocalypse. As of now, there is not a single person I’d vote for and feel good about. I’m pro guns, pro weed, pro woman, pro capitalism, pro prison reform, pro reducing taxes, pro reducing government, and I don’t give a shit about protecting your church or mosque (the one thing I’d be into raising taxes on is anything spiritual).

Every candidate drops a steaming, baby boomer turd on at least two of the things I care about. My ideal candidate would be one of the generals who served in Afghanistan, but they’d have to smoke weed and do mushrooms every weekend for at least one year while listening to Mastodon.

Not sure if it’s real, but it’s real funny.

The voters I feel the worst for are Bernie’s people. They are straight up having their candidate buried by the same liberal media that all right thinking people hate. At least the mouth breathers on the right have a chance of getting their asshole on the ballot (of course the brokered convention thing looms).

We should all just accept that the candidate with the most money always win. If we as a nation have a come to Jesus on this, we could actually move forward. Here’s my proposal:

All American elections should be decided by fundraising. Whoever raises the most money for a particular set of causes gets to serve in office. The organizations go through a televised elimination process hosted by Oprah. The goal is to have the best causes Americans really get behind benefit from the insanity of our elected officials begging for money from huge corporations.

Never trust anyone with a fake laugh or an accent that changes around different kinds of people. That’s a serial killer.

Instead of spending money on bullshit attack ads and lawn signs, the money would get funneled into social causes that actually make America great; things like early child development, veterans’ services, environmental cleanup efforts, trade schools for teenagers, and a space program (because aliens are certainly coming to kill us all).

I think this would have a powerful psychological effect on candidates. Instead of sucking the devil’s dick for that sweet moolah, their success would be tied to the well being of the most vulnerable among us.

This is the standard our leaders and first spouses should be held to.

I know the people would be down and I actually think whatever is left of the human DNA in our reptilian candidates would be happy to adopt something like this. You know who definitely won’t be down? People who sell ad space. You know what? Fuck those guys. TV is evil and radio sucks.


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