Sunday Advice Column #5

dogs
Lazy Sunday in full effect. 

Since about the age of 14 I’ve worked on weekends. I bartended all the way through my twenties and really missed out on the fun of being off with the rest of the world. Lately I’ve been able to carve out two solid restful days where I don’t really do much of anything except read, hang out with the dogs, and watch movies.

I was telling some sourpuss the other day about how much I’ve been enjoying my restful weekends and they hissed, “it must be nice.” Actually it does. It fucking rules and so do I.

The trick is, you have to choose to rest. The entire modern world is designed to goad you into activity every second of the day. If you’re feeling content, don’t worry, there’ll be a commercial coming along any second to convince you to buy some new bullshit. Put it on your credit card because you deserve it.

You don’t need it and you don’t deserve it. What you do need and deserve is some good rest.

chimp
Chill like a chimp. #chimpchill 

The first couple weeks of attempting an aggressively lazy weekend were tough. I had developed a habit of slacking a bit during the  week, knowing I’d have 48 hours of uninterrupted home office time. Pretty soon I found myself working 7 days a week without any time to recharge. Work became harder, ideas came slower, and I became a grumpy little bitch.

Your brain needs to relax and do nothing with some frequency. I make sure I get all of my work done during normal business hours and do freelance on weeknights. Sure, every once in a while a project trickles its way into the sacred laziness of my glorious weekends, but for the most part it doesn’t because I don’t let it.  Since I’ve been refusing to answer the call of Moloch, the dark god of industry, my Monday through Friday has been excellent and more productive.

My coworkers and clients know I go for deep chillaxing on the weekend and never really bug me with emails. That said, if something came up that really needed my attention, I’d take care of it right away. You don’t want to be difficult to work with, you want to be easier to work with. I’d make sure to shift my hours of recharging to another day, though.

I strongly suspect I would do really well with a nursing shift style split where I work super hard M-Th for 10-12 hours and unplug completely Friday to Sunday. The next level after this would probably be a digital and social media fast one or more weekend day. I’m going to try and give it a go next Sunday.

bat
Being a baby creature of the night is exhausting. 

No matter what kooky rest schedule I adopt, you can count on the blog happening. I’ve gotten beyond the “build a habit” phase and now quite enjoy and look forward to meeting the blank page with a cup of black coffee each day. On that note, here are the answers to your questions.

What’s up with all these new super aggressive vegans online?

Just about everything has become super aggressive these days. Are you into yoga? No? Fuck you then. Like Trump? You’re a retard. Didn’t you post a picture of Bernie and that damned bird? What a moron. You’re doing Crossfit now? Hope you like RHABDO sucker.

Studies show that hateful online posts get a significantly higher level of engagement than non-hate posts. Instead of simply speaking to a receptive or curious audience, hate affirms the beliefs of the converted and draws the argumentative people on the other side of your opinion like an angry moth to a shitty flame. Hate always works and it get you more clicks. The entire economy of the internet is about monetizing attention through clicks.

An excellent marketing book on the subject of hate clicks and media manipulation is Ryan Holiday’s Trust Me I’m Lying: Confessions of a Media Manipulator. Once you grok the fact that most of the content online is there to draw you to sites to buy things and that the content creators have discovered hate gets more eyes, you won’t be able to look at a Gawker article the same way again.

Okay, so what does this have to do with vegans? Well, there certainly has been a shift in the tone of the biggest vegan advocates on the web. They’ve realized more people watch their videos when they get hostile and they’ve been attracting the biggest audiences for vegan content anyone has ever seen.

Durianrider. This Australian psycho is one of my all time favorite YouTube personalities. He trolls harder than anyone, but he is 100% dedicated to his cause and doesn’t sell anything other than an ebook. This dude calls out all the starvation diet authors and snake oil peddlers.

Freelee the Banana Girl. She’s Durianrider’s girlfriend and she’s just as hardcore as he is. She’s model skinny while pounding down massive amounts of carbs and cycling around Australia. She seems to be at war with people who accuse her of fat shaming, but I have to side with her; she used to be fat, didn’t like it and made a choice for herself not to be. Personally, I consider that to be a positive message.

Vegan Gains. The guy who puts these videos out may actually be a sociopath. His channel is well produced and attracts an enormous amount of haters because he goes after everybody on the internet in the fitness industry. This dude has some serious stones. He got into some internet beef with a paleo vlogger and when that guy called him out, VG showed up at his booth at a fitness expo ready to beat his ass. Kind? No. Effective for getting an audience? yes.

Plant Based Athlete. Jay is a savage Jiu Jitsu competitor. He just won Pan Ams in the over 35 division at brown belt. I wouldn’t say he’s as hostile as the three previous folks I mentioned, but he has a no bullshit message and he’s going hard in his sport. I really like his take on vegan proselytizing. He trains hard 6-9 times a week and when people ask him why he’s so good and strong for a dude in his 40s, he tells them about being plant-based. Otherwise he stays more or less private about what he eats in face-to-face encounters with meat eaters.

vegans
This came up when I was doing a Google search for “savage vegans.” WTF? 

There are an enormous amount of copycat channels with aggro vegan messages. There’s even a small media economy based on responding to these videos. The interesting thing about this new crew is that they’re really into proving the supremacy of their diet choices through sport. None of these folks are world class athletes, but they are really fit and we’ll probably start seeing some very competitive achievements from this scene. Or at the very least more insane videos.

Can the woman really propose to the man in a heterosexual relationship? Not just mechanics, but what about all the societal judgings and relationship fear? 

This is the 21st century and it’s a free country. You can do whatever you want and if you’re the kind of gal that wants to grab a man by the scruff of his neck and drag him back to the cave, no one’s going to stop you.

 

If my wife had proposed to me, I would’ve been pretty bummed out. Proposing to someone is one of those things guys are conditioned to prepare for and look forward to. After you’re engaged, people always ask you how you proposed. It’s a very long story, but the dude who made my wife’s wedding ring fucked up my proposal and to this day, I would love to slap him in the face Diaz Brothers style.

Despite my long hair and fondness for weed, I’m actually fairly conservative and like traditions. I don’t have judgments towards people who like to go their own way and whatnot, but I’m pretty fond of keeping things classic (or you know, patriarchal or whatever). Even during gay weddings, which I’m an enormous fan of, I like when people choose to do all the regular wedding shit: walk down the aisle, have a ring bearer, kiss the bride/groom, first dance, etc. I love all that corny shit.

I’m sure a woman could pull off an absolutely delightful proposal, but the dude is going to be eternally emasculated when people ask him about it. The world should be kinder and more accepting, but it’s not. Most people are going to think something like “wow, what a bitch” when they hear you did the asking. If you love him, spare him the eternal beta status.

RDJ
I used this picture already, but it’s why the following question exists. 

Why is Iron Man telegraphing his punch?

Because Kung Fu is stupid.

Do you think we will find a way to develop a coherent quantum theory of gravity?

Honestly, I don’t know, but I’d assume it will either harmonize in a way that’s useful or reveal new fields of study. What we can know for certain is that when they do, thousands of life coaches will barf all over the internet about how this new finding proves that their version of The Secret is totally proven by science now. 

Even though the subject is brutally esoteric, Quantum Theory is super useful in your day-to-day life. If you hear anyone, especially a spiritual leader, mention it in conversation as a placeholder for evidence you can feel free to ask them, “what’s the highest level of math you completed in college?” If their answer, like mine, is “statistics” you can just go ahead and ignore everything else they’re saying because they just proved they don’t know shit and are bloviating above their pay grade.

Tortillas vs Bread. Which is superior? 

This is a doozy. Without tortillas, there are no burritos or tacos. Without burritos or tacos, the world is a bleak place.  I’m thankful we live in a world where we don’t have to choose between them, but I’m probably going to have to say bread is superior due to variety.

This is actually reminding a bit of the kind of the game theories that developed from Pascal’s Wager. The basic idea is given the choice between believing in god or not believing in god, it’s better to choose belief in god because if you die and there is no god, nothing happens. If you die and there is a god, you’d probably like to avoid hell.

Game theory comes into play after you choose to believe in god. Now you have to decide an assortment of things like which god to believe in? If there are different sects worshipping the same god, which one do you choose?

There are only two kinds of tortillas worth eating: flour or corn. All the other kinds of tortillas are FALSE TORTILLAS. There are infinite kinds of bread and as long as there’s some gluten in there, they’re delicious. So bread wins. But to tortillas, massive respect.

bread
Raisin bread, corn bread, bread pudding, French bread, Bunny bread…

How do we end up marrying the wrong person? 

Unless you live in a culture with arranged marriages, you probably started by dating the wrong person. There were likely early warning signs, things your friends and family noticed, but you wrote off because the ass was bomb or they have a nice smile or car or something.  That’s ok, it happens to a lot of people.

If you feel like you’re married to the wrong person now, get into couples counseling ASAP. One of you probably sucks and you need a mediator to help you figure out which one it is, and what can be done about it.

Is there a division of labor in a relationship? 

Yes. You should make a written list of all the chores that need to happen in your household and divide them among you or agree on a method to outsource anything you don’t want to do (a housecleaner is such a great thing to budget for).

I actually kind of like cleaning up around the house and I’m better at the dishes, so I do that kind of thing. I also walk and feed the dogs because I get up earlier than Mrs. Lott and I don’t mind taking them out at night into the West Oakland wasteland. She’s the one with the car, so she’ll usually do the shopping related chores (stuff for the house, groceries, etc.).  We split the laundry duties up.

Whatever you end up doing, make sure it’s balanced. The only real reason for it to not be equal is if one person has a more demanding and higher paying job. If that’s the case, that person should hire a professional (like the housecleaner).

maid
No, I’m sorry. There is no love here. 

 

 

 

 

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