Sunday Advice Column #4

Jesus

Happy Easter everyone. Hopefully you’re enjoying some manner of brunch with people you love. To you heathen atheists, congratulations on Bernie Sanders’ victory over the $hillary in a couple of states. The only state he usually does well in is the state of denial, so I guess you have something to celebrate other than the lord’s KO victory over death.

I got quite a few questions this week, so I’m saving some for next week. If you don’t see yours here, check back next Sunday. Here we go.

How do I go about un-friending someone in real life?

It depends on how close a friend this is and how wronged you were. If it’s an acquaintance, usually you can just stop inviting them to things and it’ll happen naturally. You’ll have to master the subtle art of pretending you don’t see them if you like to go to the same cafes and such.

If this person has done something to you or someone you care about, I recommend letting them know how you feel. If you’re non-confrontational, you can drop the bomb via text, but face-to-face is the boss way to cut ties.

A few years ago a friend of mine decided to “break up with me” because I was too negative. He was involved in some sort of corny men’s movement shit at the time. I’m pretty sure I was part of an assignment designed to insulate him from his real friends so the cult could further take over his mind. What a maroon.

cult
Joining a suicidal doomsday cult is the ultimate fuck you.

But as fruity as this seemed at the time, I have to give him props. He was right and I actually did start thinking about my nihilistic outlook and how it was slowly killing me. If you care about someone, this is the way to go. If you’re just trying to cut someone you don’t really give a toss about, just let the relationship die on the vine.

How do I get rid of ants?

Go to a hardware store and buy Raid or a similarly lethal product and spray it wherever they’re having their sinister little parade. These tenacious bastards will laugh at any natural remedy Gwyneth Paltrow recommends; so don’t even bother with that shit. If you don’t have insect genocide in you, hire an exterminator.

ExterminatorBook

A related issue: clean your house. Ants are drawn to nasty ass people. If you’re the type of slob to let huge chunks of donut crumble into your couch, you’re going to see these eight-legged sugar addicts marching into your domicile.

Would you ever give cheaters another chance?

I would, but there would have to be a considerable demonstration of penance. I’d also need to have the option to beat the shit out of whomever I was cheated on with. I’ve been cheated on twice and opted out of violence both times. I completely regret not throwing hands in both cases. I was a much skinnier, less trained version of myself back then.

You need to identify why the cheating occurred. You might not be responsible for the act itself, but you might’ve contributed to the ecosystem of infidelity. Were you emotionally unavailable? Are you having sex frequently enough? Have you let yourself become a much fatter, lazier, un-fuckable version of yourself? As it says in the good book (Matthew 7:5), “you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

You can come back from something like this and have a tremendously successful relationship, but the underlying cause of the cheating has to be addressed. Couples counseling is for sure a good option. Also, there should only ever be one “get out of cheater jail for free” card in the deck. If it happens again, you are done-diddly-done.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me, and sticks to you. – relevant in adult life?

This little rhyme has always been misguided. It implies an automatic deflection of criticism. The reality is if you want something to stick to someone else, you’re going to have to stick it to him or her with force. You also have to be able to absorb the emotional damage of the exchange like Rocky Balboa taking a beating in Rocky 5.

troll
This is the spirit of the internet.

Donald Trump has mastered this art. He has been on the receiving end of an enormous amount of well-deserved criticism and name calling, but it has done nothing to him. He slips the jab, and counter punches with force. He’s the Lex Luthor of the internet.

The related “sticks and stones” rhyme is also incorrect. Words do harm. There’s an entire industry of PR professionals out there doing damage control for brands because trollish “journalists” can blog a company’s sales into the gutter.

You are not rubber. But you can harden the fuck up and deflect damage. You have to recognize the need to do so and cultivate toughness.

Mr. T
Sticks. Stones. Fists. 

What do I need to know about his sex life?

You only need to know two things:

  1. Does he have any STDs?
  2. Does the plumbing work?

I know almost nothing about my wife’s sex life before me. As far as I know she was as pure as pre-John Mayer Taylor Swift before we met. I think she suspects I may have been up to no-good before we got together.

The best movie about this subject is Kevin Smith’s Chasing Amy. The main character gets involved with a sexually adventurous woman who mostly identifies as a lesbian. Things are going fine until this dude starts hearing stories about how much freaky ass she’s been getting over the years. His ego can’t hang and he tries to shame her.

She justifiably tells him to piss off, that her life before him has noting to do with her life with him. All that matters is how they love each other. He’s totally insecure and cooks up an idiotic scheme to have a threesome with her and his best friend so he can be a freak in the sheets too. It goes bad and the relationship ends.

He could’ve just been cool and enjoyed his life with a hot girl who knows her way around a dick, but instead, he lets some bullshit “desire to be Marco Polo” discovering that ass fuck things up.

sasha-grey-hot
Don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to hear the answers to. 

On the subject of Chasing Amy, fuck Ben Affleck. That dude seems to be put on this Earth to destroy superhero franchises with his butt chin and absurdly powerful ability to summon the full and mighty force of Hollywood leftism.

I’ll give him this, though. He was funny as hell in Good Will Hunting. That and the fact he’ll still be in Kevin Smith’s B-movie universe for next to no pay means he’s loyal, and there’s a lot to be said for that. But fuck that guy anyways.

In short, what matters is that you have fun together and no one needs to see the doctor for a burning itch.

 

On the topic of books, what’s the best place to start reading on the topic of Metaphysics? Every suggested book looks like a super dry college course guide, is there anything a bit more modern or colloquial that’s worth a look?

Classical metaphysics is hard as hell to read. It’s all about getting to the root of what actually “is”, what we actually “know”, and how we even “know what is.” This branch of philosophy started in antiquity and carries on to this day, having passed through the unholy confusion of Continental philosophy.

Unless you’re really hell bent on doing philosophy professionally, you should probably spend more time with the thinkers who were in search of “how to live the best life.” The Stoics are a great place to start. They’ve become extremely popular among the chronic optimizer authors like Tim Ferris and Ryan Holiday because the writing is simple and the advice is actionable.

zizek
Abandon all hope ye who read Zizek. 

 

Real philosophy is well past them. You can basically skip everything between and go right to Nietzsche, though. He’s the philosopher with the most relevance to our lives now.

If you find yourself drawn to philosophy, but the writing is impenetrable, I recommend the Blackwell series of books. They do titles like X-Men and Philosophy and Terminator and Philosophy. They’re each anthologies of philosophical papers linked by a pop culture theme. They’re very relatable and written for casual audiences who may not have any background in the authors and thinkers being discussed.

Another great resource is the Partially Examined Life, a podcast by some guys who were going to become professional philosophers, but decided they’d rather do other things. They’re very funny and have an enormous amount of content produced.

When I’m starting a new philosophy book I always check to see if they’ve done an episode on it. I also go read whatever articles are available over at the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

Online Dating: the question is, how much of it is just plain time wasted? What’s the best way or best place to meet someone?

I got a lot of questions about online dating this week, but these two related questions pretty much cover what folks seemed to be curious about. I have no personal experience with this horrid technology. When I was single, you had to meet people face to face and let your game do the work. So keep that in mind as you read this.

I don’t know a single person who enjoys online dating. It seems to always cause stress and produce poor results. I suspect this is because the apps/websites are created by awkward dorks that don’t know anything about relationships. Think of it this way: who would design a better shovel, someone who digs graves for a living or a nerd who’s never even dug a hole in his yard as a kid?

super-computer-nerd
Inventor of the “well you’re just a whore” code that all online dating apps are built on. 

These services reduce humans to statistics and that’s just artificial. My wife and I would never have met online. The algorithm would’ve picked up on my lack of financial security, average height and hatred of Morrissey. Those things may as well be a gimp leg marking me unfit for reproduction.

I think the best way to meet someone is to throw yourself into activities you like and not worry too much about meeting someone. The happiest couples I know met face-to-face at places they both enjoy. Real life provides a natural filter that works better than any arbitrary coding some autistic nerd came up with.

My dad, who lives across the country, is a super right-wing kind of guy who loves his fox news and Rush Limbaugh and I’m grasping at hope that Bernie can pull through this fall… i can’t seem to have a conversation with him where this doesn’t come up, and we always end up with a few bitter words back and forth about how wrong the other is, ultimately making our weekly phone calls a little awkward. what’s the best way to keep the peace?

First of all, don’t vote for Bernie Sanders. That dude is not going to save you. His policies are never going to make it through and if they did, your taxes are going to go up unless your career involves asking if someone would like their meal supersized. Fuck him and that bird.

bernie

Second of all, you aren’t going to change an old coot’s mind. In Freemasonry there’s a rule that politics and religion can’t be discussed in meetings. For the most part, those subjects are avoided when they meet socially as well. The result? Everyone gets along really well.

I suggest avoiding the conversation entirely. Just talk about the weather or how good the new Daredevil series on Netflix is.

 

 

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