Apocalyptically Functional Fashion


chain mail
Recognize the greatness, peasants.

The Mad Max franchise introduced fashion to the apocalypse. Max himself is dressed in a rugged, distressed leather ensemble. The best dressed in the wasteland was certainly Tina Turner as Aunt Entity, the queen of Bartertown (pictured above in fetching chainmail couture).

Immortan Joe from Fury Road is a close second. Everyone loves a man in uniform. Even if that uniform is made of plastic and comes with its own iron lung and six shooters.

This is the leader America truly deserves. Even if he is Australian.

The cast of the Walking Dead started off dressed in whatever they happened to be wearing at the time the shit hit the fan. Or at least the Gap version of what regular ass people in Georgia wear.

Pretty much a bunch of squares.

As of the current season, it looks as if Kanye West’s end-times normcore has taken over. These guys look cool as hell now with their fancy ass boots and assault weapons. The color palette is more uniform. Everyone’s looks are cool and tailored. But it’s boring. I guess Darryl’s vest is kind of butch in a leather daddy sort of way, but where are the crazy shoulder pads and mohawks? Doesn’t anyone feel the need to paint their face with quasi-tribal makeup?

walking dead normcore
This is my all time favorite soap opera.

If I was running around with Rick & Co. there’s no way I’d do a god damned thing without head to toe leathers or something. Zombies have basic bitch human teeth, but cotton is not going to stop them from eating that ass. I know it gets hot as the devil’s taint in Georgia and all, but if I went on a run outside the walls, I’d be covered with all kinds of spikes and shit. Basically I’d rock Rob Halford’s look.

Death to false metal, bitches.

Another good option for zombie protection would be one of those light chainmail diving suits. You could even go commando underneath in the summer for some extra ventilation. This thing is kind of Jaques Cousteau meets Frodo’s Mithril armor.

The $23,000 chain mail suit.
Behold. The $23,000 chain mail suit.

Speaking of Lord of the Rings, how is Michonne the only person with a sword? There have got to be at least a few people out there who looted a museum. At least one or two LARPers (that’s Live Action Role Players to you muggles) should have made it out alive. They actually have an applicable skill: bopping slow moving humans in poor health on the head.

This mighty armor protects their virginity. HUZZAH!

Another totally sensible thing you never see on The Walking Dead is a bicycle. Bikes make all the sense in the world. Even when the world is at its end. They’re quiet, you can haul stuff with a trailer, they don’t need gas, and there would be millions of them lying around.

This would make Critical Mass even more annoying.

Now, if we put this all together we have a strong case for armor and bicycles. What could go wrong? I mean, other than looking like a total twat.

On your left, knave. 

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