The Monkey’s Paw Hoax

Aleister Crowley was the Kanye West of Ceremonial Magick.

Be careful what you wish for. How many times have you heard that horseshit? Why should you be careful? Because some ancient cosmic being with a grudge is going to smack you down with his karmic back hand for being all uppity and desire filled?

If you send a wish out into the universe like a white girl looking for a pony, nothing bad is going to happen to you. Mainly because you probably didn’t lock down a genie or find a powerful enough shooting star aimed into the eternal void from which we all will fall one day. Without the proper metaphysical enhancements, wishes don’t really work at all, so there’ no way they could back fire on you.

Plus there isn’t really magick. I still kind of believe in it, though. That’s what happens when you teach kids about Santa Claus.

As for me and Grandpa? Well, we believe.

Whenever I make a wish I go big. It makes no sense to waste a tongue kiss from the eternal on something basic like, “I wish I didn’t have to go to work tonight.” If I was trying to use magick to skip work I’d go about it like, “I wish my bank account was filled with 27.2 billion dollars tomorrow so I can buy the company I work for and give everyone the day off so we can go cruise on my sick aircraft carrier.”

That would be a great day. Hopefully I’d get to use an AK, just to prove how, with a known bummer, like being obliged to use an AK, it would still be, on balance, an excellent day. If my wish comes through, it’s a game changer, for sure.

Let’s cover the most popular methods of wishing.

Upon a Star. Wishing in this manner doesn’t require any particular background or commitment to ideology. It truly doesn’t matter who you are. Anything your heart desire will come true, so be wary if you don’t have a connection to your heart. You might end up in a very embarrassing situation.

Oh snap, that’s a lot of wishes.


3 from a Genie. In North America, you’re going to have a very hard time finding a lamp with its genie still intact. It’s rarer than a Missile Firing Boba Fett. If you do manage to get your hands on one of these balloon pants wearing nerds, you will be granted 3 wishes. Be careful, though, they are tricky little buggers and will try to swindle you out of secondary and tertiary wishes. They’re also notoriously bad at financial advice. There’s a recent story about someone blowing a whole wish on Enron stock right before it went all crazy. Bad timing, right?

Kids, if someone asks you to try rugs. Just. Say. No.


Put a Watermelon Seed on Your Head While Counting. This one is sort of complicated. First, eat and spit out a seed of watermelon. While moist, slap it on your forehead. Now start counting upwards. If the seed falls off while you are saying a prime number, your wish will be granted in the days equal to that number divided by your age. Pretty much no one does this one. Plus it might be racist.

Eating a Green M&M. This is an old Cuban superstition, which is why it popped up in baseball a number of years ago. The tradition of asking the Great Old Ones for power while eating a green M&M was originally the practice of Cuban warriors. They would eat small green psychoactive toads and run into battle swinging their club-like axes at enemies. As tribal warfare waned and enthusiasm for baseball waxed, the axe became a bat and the toad became an M&M.

This kids got one of those 80s trap vibes going.

A few years ago Mars chocolate company made a popular television commercial with a bunch of kids playing baseball and eating green M&Ms. In the spot, the kids believed that they could hit the ball further if they ate the green ones. Sounds like an illuminati plot to convince children that performance enhancing substances are ok. On the real, always be on the lookout for that shit.

Blowing on a Dandelion. This is the training wheels of wishing. It’s an easy way to get kids into believing in nonsense. A very little known fact is that the whole “blow on a dandelion” thing was created by Monsanto. They were about to release a new weed management chemical on the market, but they wanted to make sure weeds and such would be a huge problem in the upcoming season, so they did two things.

First, they rented zeppelins and flew over all the major suburbs releasing weed seeds from the air. Some insiders estimate this may have caused an 18-23% increase in the number of weeds grown in North America in 1951.

The second thing they did was start showing cartoons with characters blowing dandelions around. This was a huge scandal at the time because it was considered polite to either eat them or smash them into a handkerchief so that the seeds would not spread. Once kids got the idea you could make a wish when you blew on a dandelion, there was just no stopping it. At the time it was considered worse than masturbating, which only made the kids more interested in it.

Berkeley is a weird ass place.

The Monkey’s Paw. This is one of my favorite scary stories. it was originally a short story written in 1902 by an English author named W.W. Jacobs. It was later adapted into a few movies and TV shows, notably the 1972 Tales from the Crypt movie.

Across all the versions, the plot is basically the same. Someone gives a mystical taxidermy monkey paw to a couple and tells them it grants three wishes. It does, but the wishes always come at a dark cost. The couple wishes for the money to pay off their house and then the next day their son is killed in a construction accident. The insurance pays them off enough to pay off the mortgage. That sort of thing.

I think this particular story is nefarious. It trains you to not want to wish, which is the cousin of hope. This is a heap of psychic manure. If we lived in a universe where magick really worked, I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be guided by a beneficent force. It wouldn’t set you up to fail. Unless it really liked fucking with people, something I’ve never been able to rule out entirely.

I got that monkey’s paw right here, dickweed.

To sum up. If you’re going to wish, wish wide and high. And don’t worry about getting cursed by trying to tap into a little bit of that sweet force of eternal love. If you are able to make a wish, wish for the dissolution of the eternal ego serpent wrapped around the stubbly, pudgy neck of the Earth.

May all beings know peace, and if they so desire, chicken grease.


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