The Dating Lame

dating 1

Last night I realized I have the perfect qualifications for offering relationship advice on a blog. I’ve been broken hearted and I’ve broken hearts. I’ve been in a successful relationship for fifteen years. I saw all kinds of love related nonsense during my many years as a bartender in both straight and gay establishments. Most importantly, I have a blog.

These questions were gathered from my Facebook feed. I’m keeping them anonymous here, but if we’re friends on Facebook, you can head over to the thread and weigh in.

When a relationship stalls, how do you know if the problem is “you” or “them”?

Generally relationship stalling means one thing: side dick. Your dating partner is likely pressing pause on that ass to survey the field. If your cookies are sweeter, expect a return of some sort. If it’s stalling because of you, just be honest with yourself and either friend zone the person or be clear that their time is short.

date 2
Love is when they pretend to like your dumb shit.

As a 42 year old, fit, fairly educated, professional, independent minded, rational, agreeable and accommodating gay man, the pool of datable/single men is dramatically shrinking. I have always put myself out there with ease but I’m losing interest in the pursuit of relationships altogether. Do I start collecting cats?

As a dog person, I’ll start by saying this: cats are never the answer. You start with one, pretty soon it has a friend, then you’re like “why not pick up another kitten?” Around the fourth cat, your house really stars to take on that litterbox smell. Now you’ve just eliminated people with allergies from your dating pool.

The upside is that cat people seem to be very loyal and if you are left only with a pool of undesirables who happen to like cats, you’ll at least have one thing in common. And sometimes, that’s enough.

Dating is fucking stupid… why should I give a flying fuck?

There are three reasons to date. First, you are simply trying to fulfill your primate urges to rub your monkey parts on something soft. Second, you are auditioning a life partner to ensure they can be relied on to pay bills and be tolerable when things aren’t fun. Third, dating keeps our economy afloat. Without dating, our restaurant, booze and narcotic industries would collapse.

date 3
How did we all just agree to let this slide like it was no biggie?

I’ve been historically gay, except for a few women who I had crushes on and banged in my early twenties. In the vein of wanting a more fluid sexuality, I think I want to try dating women again. How do I go about this? Are online tools as vapid and disappointing as gay ones?

Presumably you’ve been gay for sometime, so I’m going to assume you have minimal experience with dating women. If your only goal is to reduce the viscosity of your sexual identification, I can’t recommend women. They are a lot of trouble. Try starting with a furry or some kind of otherkin with low self esteem. That will provide you with hours of entertainment and you’ll probably never have to answer the question “does this make me look fat?”

In San Francisco, there is a terrible shortage of decent dudes. It’s mostly creepy, narcissistic momma’s boys in hoodies. If you want to clean up dating women, all you’re really going to have to do is have an ok job and answer phone calls or texts in a timely manner.

I hear the dating app scene is worse for straights. With gay hook up apps, vapidity seems to be a feature, not a bug. You press a button, belt buckles hit the floor, you high five or whatever, and go about your day. Straight women seem to treat it as the opening chess move in a volatile game of psychic domination.

You probably shouldn’t listen to me at all on this one as I’m straight and have been married since before computers were a part of sexual selection.

date 5
If you haven’t though about punching someone’s ticket, you’re not really in love.

There are casual relationships I never had closure to so that I can selfishly revisit them in between legit attempts at real relationships so that I can see if they may be worth pursuing when I have a different perspective, or maybe it’s to see if I’m just desperate enough to settle… I dunno.Is that fucked up?

Yes, this is fucked up. You are a happiness sniper. You can only redeem this behavior by negotiating an equitable three-way with all parties and ghosting at the end.

Is ghosting really THAT bad? Isn’t saying nothing, really saying something profound?

If you can make sure you don’t care about the ghosted person’s feelings at all and don’t mind the idea of them going through life wondering what happened, then it’s not that bad.

I believe it’s better to achieve profundity with the truth. In this case you might be forthright and say something like, “look, the D is bomb, but you have a lame job, no future and your house smells like cats. I’m out.”

That’s the polite thing to do.

date 4
Some people are just better at life.

If I like someone and can’t tell if they have an interest in me, I write them off immediately. Is this practical?

It depends on the quality and quantity of your incoming options. If time is short and there’s a river of ass flowing your way, fuck ‘em. If it’s a dry period and you’re interested, it’s best to be direct and say something like, “I’m DTF, what’s up?”

I really want to participate in life, but I have procrastination issues, and I get distracted easily. Have you heard where ü feat Justin Bieber? The new Dodge Dart… sexy or the retro trash talk of design language?

Chances are you were wired that way from childhood. It’s what Saturday morning cartoons and cereal do to your brain. I find that making lists or taking knockoff Chinese Provigil helps with my procrastination. You might want to try something like that.

I haven’t heard that Justin Bieber song. The new Dodge Dart is pretty weak in my opinion. It doesn’t have the same aggressively goofy muscle car charm of the new Charger or Challenger, and the engine isn’t all that.

Why are people so fucking lazy and ambivalent in their own pursuits of happiness? I don’t want to be someone’s happiness! Why can’t I meet men who are just fucking happy?

Think about the population of humans and how unimpressive the average is. Mathematically speaking, half of them are worse than the average. That means there are billions of awful people out there.

I think the thing to do is make sure you don’t catch too many losses from life and keep an eye out for someone who isn’t the slowest antelope.

date 6
You ever notice how couples eventually dress the same?

How does the “50-50” mentality hinders intimacy in a relationship?

I thought this was code for some kind of bisexuality until I looked it up. In my own relationship, I know life flow smoother when we are not dividing things up on a ledger and being emotional accountants. That said, you have to have absolute trust in the person and a history of them (or you) not fucking up to move past thinking of yourselves as mercenary units in a temporary alliance. We all start at 50/50, but it takes work to go all in. If you aren’t both on board, it will fail.

Does being in a relationship mean finding quiet resignation and settling? Sometimes that is what it seems like.

That’s exactly what it’s like. There are no soul mates and there is no such thing as perfect. So in reality, you’re going to settle no matter what. The trick is to not settle with someone who drives you to look up untraceable poisons on the Internet.

My boyfriend and I argue endlessly over which way round the toilet paper roll should go. It’s brought us to the brink several times. How can we resolve this once and for all and focus on the things we love about each other?

Whoever refills the roll is correct.

Before Grindr












Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s