Ellen Degenerates


I adore speculating about absurd things. What would you do if you won the lottery, but could only buy blue things? Would you rather fight a thousand 6″ Manny Pacquiaos or one giant Grumpy Cat? If you could replace one member of the Beatles before they were famous with Freddy Mercury, who would it be?

It’s best to come up with these questions on the fly,  when you your mind is loose. The ideal way to answer them is quickly and impulsively.

If you haven’t guessed already, I’m sort of dialing this blog post in, but hey, that’s ok.

Absent a really great idea for today, I will simply answer the questions Vanity Fair asked Ellen Degeneres on her Proust Questionnaire. Here we go.

What is your idea of perfect happiness? Books, coffee and having nothing that needs immediate attention.

What is your greatest fear? Dying before my wife. Or her dying before me. I can’t tell which is worse.

Which historical figure do you most identify with? Mark Twain.

Which living person do you most admire? My dad, for his kindness.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Laziness.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Laziness.

What is your greatest extravagance? The Internet.

What is your favorite journey? I like going home to New Orleans.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Humility.

What do you dislike most about your appearance? My bottom teeth and what’s left of the gums around them.

Which living person do you most despise? One of my wife’s ex-friends.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Super, motherfucker,  I don’t know.

What is your greatest regret? Not writing more.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? My wife.

Which talent would you most like to have? I’d like to be able to fight like Jason Bourne.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? Their retirement plans.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? I get paid to write things.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? A robotic librarian working on a rare books collection.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Interacting with liars and dullards.

What is your most marked characteristic? I talk too much.

What do you most value in your friends? Gallows humor.

Who are your favorite writers? Jack London, Bill Watterson, Hunter S. Thompson, J.K. Rowling, Ernest Becker, Taneda Santoka, Christopher Hitchens, James Baldwin, Dale Carnegie, China Mieville, Shel Silverstein, I could do this all day I’ll stop now.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Han Solo

What are your favorite names? Albert, Margot, Ezekiel, Jedediah, Lacy, Orville.

What is it that you most dislike? Virtue signaling from the willfully ignorant

How would you like to die? Rich.

What is your motto? Persistence beats resistance.



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